Hanson's Bad Week Or So
by Ooglafina
Summary: Hanson gets kidnapped by a group of italian jew mobsters along with N'Sync & the best comedians in the world...Tim Conway & Carol Burnet! (Some how this got deleted without my knowing, very sorry!) Please R&R!


"Moose, I don't think that you're supposed to be going seventy in a residential zone," Isaac asked Moose Spam, their tour bus driver. He turned around to inspect Taylor who was sitting on the kitchen bench plastered to his barf bucket.  
  
"Don't worry. I've been driving tour busses for twenty years!" said Moose as he came to a very abrupt halt to avoid hitting a nun on the cross walk. They all turned around to see Zac fall flat on his face out of the bathroom.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Zac asked, wiping off his toothpaste-covered face. Zac noticed Taylor's look of nausea, Isaac's look of shock, and Moose's look of pride.  
  
"You've finally proved yourself to be a man by swearing," Moose gushed. He decided to ignore Moose when he realized that he should be nice to Isaac since he could really get him in trouble.  
  
"I mean heck. Heehee. Hee," Zac tried to giggle.  
  
"I won't say anything about that right now," said Isaac. "I have more important things to think about."  
  
"What? I'm not important enough for you?"  
  
"Well, seeing that we have a concert in Dallas in a half hour and we're still in Vegas and we probably won't make it and even if we did I would have to figure out a way of getting Tay to stop barfing, no, you're not important!"  
  
"I'll be okay. Really. I don't think that I'm going to throw up anymore. Right after this." Taylor stuck his head up out of his bucket, "I want mom. or some jinn. or a playboy!"  
  
Moose looked through the magazine rack but didn't find anything so he went back to driving after he almost sideswiped a semi.  
  
"Would you start paying attention to what you're doing Moose?!" Isaac said as he slid off the kitchen bench. "Why are you stopping at the busiest gas station in town?"  
  
"Cheapest liquor. I mean gas."  
  
Zac rolled down the window and yelled, "You already have enough gas don't you? If you didn't eat beans at every meal, you wouldn't have that problem. Oh, crap!"  
  
"What crap?" Taylor asked, peeking out from under his blanket. "Did the toilet overflow again?"  
  
Zac didn't answer. There was a herd of teenage girls wandering toward the bus. He rolled up the window.  
  
"Somebody move me if the toilet's overflowing!" Taylor demanded from his sick bed.  
  
"There's girls!" Zac said as if a bunch of thugs were about to bombard the bus.  
  
Isaac approached the door like an ambassador. "We have to be good to our fans."  
  
Zac ran into the bathroom. Taylor hid his head in his puke bucket. Isaac opened the door to see four smiling girls of about 15 or 16. He grinned plastically. "Hey. How are you doing?"  
  
They peeked past him and looked around.  
  
"Is that Taylor?" a girl asked as she hopped up and down excitedly.  
  
"Yes. That's Tay. Say hello, Taylor," Isaac demanded.  
  
Taylor's hand poked out momentarily and disappeared again.  
  
"Uh, he has mono," Isaac lied. "Vomiting, diarrhea, really nasty."  
  
He noticed Moose coming out of the gas station with an armload of food and booze.  
  
"Where's Zac," the girl asked.  
  
"He's. dead. Now we have to go. We'll be late for our next concert."  
  
Moose shoved two of the girls aside as he dragged himself in the doorway.  
  
"He's dead!" one cried.  
  
"Yeah," Taylor called distantly from under his blanket. "It's really messed up our three part harmonies."  
  
"We really have to go," Isaac said distractedly as he eyed Moose downing a bottle of Coors. "It's a little early for that isn't it?"  
  
Moose belched in reply.  
  
"Before you go," a buxom girl asked as she pushed through the group. "Would Taylor sign my bra strap?"  
  
Taylor bounded out of his wrappings suddenly. He snatched a pen from a counter and was soon writing on her underwear while Isaac looked on.  
  
"Thanks," she swooned.  
  
"No problem." They stood there while Taylor did his usual flirty, tucking his hair behind his ear movement.  
  
Zac tripped out of the bathroom. "I think my tooth's going to fall out."  
  
No one paid attention. Isaac grabbed Taylor by the back of the collar and yelled harshly over Taylor's sudden gasping noises, "Bye, see you again! Vote for us on Total Request Live!" He slammed the door shut.  
  
Taylor deposited himself on the bench and immediately started vomiting. Isaac was back in the passenger's seat watching as Moose flipped off an old woman he couldn't outrun.  
  
"Can I push her off the road?" he asked.  
  
"No!" they all cried.  
  
"Is that a cop?" Zac asked as he inspected his teeth in a mirror.  
  
"You mean the puny little thing way back there?" asked Moose.  
  
"Yeah. I guess it is. It's got its flasher thingy on," said Taylor thickly from inside his bucket.  
  
They rode for about three miles with the puny little flashing car on their tail and they kept going until the car let off a loud sound.  
  
"Would the big bus that is driving on the wrong side of the road please pull over to the side of the road?"  
  
"Oh, man!" Taylor's voice echoed from inside the bucket.  
  
"They can't take the fact that we went a long time without pulling over as resisting the police or whatever they call it can they?" asked Zac.  
  
"Uh.no." said Isaac.  
  
"'Course they can. I'm gonna try to out run 'em," said Moose.  
  
"What for?!" screamed Isaac.  
  
"I'm not supposed to be in this state."  
  
"Why not?" asked Zac.  
  
"Me and a couple of other guys accidentally shot a couple a cops a few years back."  
  
"How could you accidentally shoot a bunch of cops with a lot of other people?" asked Taylor.  
  
"I'm gonna tell ya' just what I told the cops. I plead the fifth."  
  
"Do you realize that this isn't going to help us at all?" asked Isaac.  
  
"Yup. Frankly, I don't care about you guys. I'm in this for the money."  
  
They just kept going at a steady rate of ninety miles per hour. They said many prayers for themselves, pedestrians, and many small animals creamed by the rogue tour bus.  
  
***  
  
"What time is it?" asked Zac.  
  
"6:15," replied Isaac with a far away look on his face, "15 minutes before our concert's supposed to start. And we're now in Dallas."  
  
"You're not thinking about actually doing the concert are you?" asked Taylor.  
  
"Well, you don't seem to be that sick anymore."  
  
"Yeah, but you forget that we have the police on our tail," said Zac, "Hey, you haven't been spewing!"  
  
"I don't have anything left to spew," said Taylor, "Well, humor me with what you're planning."  
  
"What I'm thinking is maybe we could take a cut through an alley and jump out of the bus while Moose slows down. That way we can get to our concert and get away from Moose."  
  
"What are they gonna think when we show up with out our security. We lost them a couple hundred miles ago," said Zac.  
  
"I think that they'll be a little curious to why we haven't got any transportation too," said Taylor.  
  
"We can deal with that then. All I'm thinking about right now is my own neck. I don't wanna end up in a fiery car crash. Do you?"  
  
Zac thought about it while Taylor went to talk to Moose.  
  
"I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to you!" said Moose through heavy tears. He hugged Zac with one arm, and turned into a sharp alley. "You were like my own son!"  
  
"We've only known you for three months!" said Zac.  
  
"We'll miss you to Moose," said Taylor.  
  
"Was I talking to you?" said Moose, looking confused, "Now get going."  
  
They all jumped out one by one. Anyone who reads this is going to think 'How did they manage to jump out of a moving vehicle, land on the pavement, and survive?' Well, thankfully, there was a wino sleeping in the alley and Isaac fell on him when they jumped out. Good for him, but bad for the wino.  
  
Taylor however landed on the pavement. He had a fever though, so this didn't seem to faze him much. "Zac! Where are you? If you're dead let us know so that we can celebrate!"  
  
"That is so not funny!" Zac's voice echoed from what sounded like a far off cave.  
  
As Isaac and Taylor got up to look for the far off cave they saw a bunch of men in Phantom Of The Opera masks with guns forming a circle around them. One of which was standing over the hog tied Zac.  
  
***  
  
"Wait! Let me put on my pants first!" Justin Timberlake said to the men in the Broadway masks as he hurriedly tried to put on his pants.  
  
"Justin! What's going on! HELP! HELP!!!" Britney Spears' dog whistle voice echoed through the drive in theater.  
  
"Gag the annoying one!" said one of the men.  
  
"What did I do?" asked Justin.  
  
"Not you! Her," said the man as they all looked for a gag for Britney to stop her from squealing about how they weren't doing what they thought they were.  
  
"Hey! You're not my real body guard are you?!" said Justin frantically.  
  
"No duh," they heard the man say before they were hit over the head and fell to the ground.  
  
Meanwhile, in the next car, Lance pretended not to be crying and said, "Hey, where'd Britney and Justin go?"  
  
"I don't care! Shut up! Don't go towards the light!" cried Joey.  
  
"You know it's not your time! He needs you!" screamed Chris.  
  
"No, really guys, where are they?" asked J.C.  
  
Joey revved the car to life. "I knew we should have seen Gina Smyth: Grave Robber. None of us would be acting so lady like," he said as he started to drive laps around the drive in.  
  
"Look! There's his pants on the ground!" said Lance as he spotted Justin's car, which was in the exact same spot it had been in the first place.  
  
"You mean he's getting some? I thought that she died!" said Joey trying to look at the screen through the rear view mirror.  
  
"He's naked somewhere!" said J.C.  
  
"No he's not he's standing right there and he's fully clothed!" said Chris exasperated.  
  
"Where?!" said Lance.  
  
They all look back at the screen to see Nicholas Cage standing fully clothed.  
  
"We're not talking about him!" said J.C.  
  
"Okay, I'm lost," said Joey.  
  
"You're in a drive in! How lost can you get?" asked Chris.  
  
As the car passed the screen showing Mary Shelley's Mr. Jekyll And Dr. Hyde they noticed about ten men in half-masks carrying two prone bodies over their heads. They were walking half bent over to avoid being seen by the people in the cars. They all looked back at the screen showing Town Of Seraphs and Joey plowed right into them. The two people being carried in the air both dropped heavily on the ground. One of the guys marched towards the car with a huge gun under his arm.  
  
"Back up!" J.C. cried.  
  
"No! They're just getting to the good part!" Chris shouted as he and Joey turned back to watch the final sequence of Town Of Seraphs.  
  
Joey turned around to see the barrel of a gun stick inside the crack of his window. He screeched. Chris turned up the portable sound device hooked inside the window.  
  
"Hey," Lance said, dimly aware something was wrong. "No wonder there hasn't been any sound for a while. We ripped the thing off the pole when we pulled out."  
  
"Back up! Back up!" J.C. kept yelling.  
  
Britney, gagged and lying face down on the ground, sat up to see the rest of N'Sync in their car directly in front of her. They were all crying except for J.C. who kept waving his arms around like a windmill. She sat up and screamed so loudly that the glass in the boy's windshield shattered.  
  
Lance pointed to her. "That's Britney! She's alive! But Justin's dead!"  
  
"Let's get out of here before they kill us too!" J.C. urged.  
  
Joey backed the car all the way down the driveway at twenty-five miles per hour until they were on the highway, blocking three lanes of traffic.  
  
***  
  
Just as they had thought that they had gotten away and had, pulled into the south bound lane J.C. looked to their right into the next south bound lane. He noticed a dark teal mini van filled with middle age men in broad way masks. Seeing that the van was made to be owned by families with all ages of children, it looked quite odd to see four very large and frightening looking Italian men sitting in it.  
  
Right when he was about to tell the others about the van, it swerved in front of both lanes of traffic blocking every exit.  
  
A fairly large sized man jumped out of the back and started going from car window to car window.  
  
As the very large man in the mask approached their car they noticed him pulling a very loud woman out of the car in front of them. Then they noticed a very loud man get out of the passenger side.  
  
"What the heck! This is like a bad episode of The Tim Conway Show!" said the woman.  
  
"Very funny Carol. It's more like your show," said the man.  
  
As Joey watched from the back seat where he had jumped when the van had started their mission, he noticed that the couple from the car was none other than Carol Burnet and Tim Conway. "Oh, my goodness! They've got the best comedians in the world! Now what's gonna happen!"  
  
"Get off my lap! Where are we anyway?" said Lance.  
  
"We're at the ocean!" said Chris.  
  
"Well, I knew that! I didn't realize that they'd been following us that long." Said Lance.  
  
"We're gonna die," said J.C. as he sat on the floor and stared at nothing in particular.  
  
"No we're not. I have an idea. Lets crawl out of the back hatch and underneath all of the cars. Once we get far enough away we can make a run for it!" said Lance with this look of achievement on his face.  
  
"So basically we're gonna run like little children?" asked Joey.  
  
"Yeah, basically."  
  
As Carol tried in vain to pepper spray one of the men, only succeeding in spraying Tim, They got out the back of the SUV and crawled underneath the cars Chris whimpering all the way.  
  
Lance had to stop and push Chris all the way but as they went along they came across a big tour bus revving it's engine. "I think that we should go around the bus. I don't wanna become road kill," said Lance to the rest of the guys.  
  
Joey looked in at the driver of the bus and noticed that he was holding a half empty bottle of something. The driver belched loudly and then opened the door when he saw them. He then signaled for them to get in the bus.  
  
When they got in, they all noticed the very large amount of empty liquor bottles on the floor.  
  
"Who's tour bus is this?" J.C. asked the driver when he noticed the guitar in the corner, the bucket on the table, and the rubber chicken spinning from the ceiling fan.  
  
"Well, if you didn't figure that out by the big sign on the side of the bus I'm afraid to even tell you, said the big man with the thick british accent who was driving the bus.  
  
"We were kinda in a hurry! We weren't looking for name plates!" said Lance.  
  
"Either way, We've got to get out of here," said the brit, "Someone has to go out side and take the magnetic name label off the side of the bus."  
  
It was very silent for a minute but finally everyone pointed at J.C.  
  
He wasn't very enthused that they thought of him as the expendable one but found it best not to argue. Joey had a good sucker punch.  
  
"Man he's a git!" said the brit.  
  
"Yeah, I know," said Joey even though he didn't know what a git was.  
  
"You're not one to talk."  
  
"We're in Hanson's tour bus!" cried J.C. when he came back in the bus with the huge magnetic signs from the sides of the bus boasting Hanson. "We have to get out of here! We can't ride in a compeditor's tour bus! We'll be scalped!"  
  
"Cool down J.C. this isn't going to help! And we're not going to be scalped!" screamed Lance.  
  
"Technically, they aren't our compeditors. While they are all boys they technically aren't a boy band. Get it?" asked Chris.  
  
"Really I don't care!" said Joey.  
  
***  
  
"I told you that we should have just gone to McDonalds," said Tim.  
  
"Oh, shut it Tim. Don't you blame this on me!" said Carol, "Excuse me. But I would like to know how long we're going to be gone?"  
  
"Don't tak to me lady," said the driver.  
  
"Yeah, he might kill you, joked the man in the passenger seat.  
  
"Carol don't upset the men!" Tim said, "I'm too young to die!"  
  
"No you're not."  
  
***  
  
Taylor was sitting on a plush green velvet couch, drinking sparkling grape juice, and watching Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous.  
  
"Why are you watching that when you could be watching something way cooler on any of the six hundred and some other stations that the television gets?" said Isaac as he came out of the bathroom after his shower and tied up his silk bathrobe.  
  
"I'm watching this because it seems to fit the moment. I'm sitting here sipping juice out of my.you know."  
  
"Goblet?" suggested Isaac.  
  
"Yeah! It just seemed to fit," said Taylor.  
  
"Tay, have you forgotten that we're being held captive?"  
  
"No. It's just that we don't get to live like this every day. I figured that I might as well live it up. Want some room order? I was thinking lobster," said Tay.  
  
"We're being held captive! That fever must have really gotten to you!"  
  
"Do you mean that you think that the living arangments are just a decoy so that they can catch us off guard later?" asked Taylor obliviously.  
  
"Duh, Tay. Why else would they have given us pate in the mini bar?"  
  
Taylor's jaw clenched as his eyes seemed to roll up into his head.  
  
"Look Tay. I know that this has come as a shock. One minute we're being scared out of our witts by Moose almost killing a nun and the next we're being scared out of our witts by a bunch of Andrew Loyd Webber wanna bees almost killing everyone," said Ike as Taylor's face just grew more gray, "But that doesn't mean that you have to pretend to be Mr. Keep A Good Face For The Fans. There aren't any fans here. Okay?"  
  
Just at that moment Taylor went running into the bathroom were he immediately threw up several times. "Oh, I don't think that I should have had that juice. Nix on the lobster too. What was that you were saying about my face? I didn't have a booger hanging out of my nose or anything did I?" asked Taylor.  
  
"No you're fine. Never mind."  
  
***  
  
Zac stood, looking in the mirror at his syrup covered hair. As he used the chamber pot, he wished that his bathroom facilities were more adequate.  
  
"Well, Mr. Hanson," said a beefy man in a teal pin stripped suit as he peaked in the barred window on the door to Zac's room, "We wouldn't have to take these measures if you wouldn't have decided to land in our dumpster."  
  
"I didn't just say 'Hey! Let's go dumpster swimming!'" shouted Zac, "And what do you mean 'Your dumpster!"  
  
"Us mobsters were running out of places to safely dump our dead bodies so we bought out a waste management company to avoid any nasty situations."  
  
"Nasty situations?" asked Zac, "Why are you keeping me in this hole with nothing besides this book called How To Turn Butter Into Milk For Entertainment? I'm gonna go into boredom induced coma! Or I'll pass out because of the sent that I'm giving off. You didn't even give me soap!"  
  
"You never know what is lurking in a dumpster. We wouldn't want Taylor getting any diseases. He's already prone to illness."  
  
"Taylor is the important one, huh? He's always the important one!" screamed Zac.  
  
"I really don't think that anger of yours is healthy," he said blankly, "But we can't have Taylor on his sick bed. He's too important."  
  
"What do you mean? He's too important?"  
  
"I don't think that I'm allowed to tell you that at this time," stated the man.  
  
"You mean to tell me that you're not in charge?" Zac scoffed, "The way you're dressed, I'd hate to see the head guy. Who are you anyway?"  
  
"My name is Maurice Falsetto. I'm the Vice Don under Don the Fonze Falsetto."  
  
"Where do you fools get your names," asked Zac in vain, as Maurice closed the wooden door on the barred window and left him to read about butter.  
  
***  
  
"I'm telling you that I'm going to sue! This is against my rights!" screamed Carol, "I'm going to call my lawyer!"  
  
"But you don't have a phone!" cried Tim.  
  
"Shh! They don't know that," Carol said a little louder than she should have, "Are we almost where ever we're going?"  
  
"Ma'am, would you stop? I swear that if I didn't have my orders then I'd have you tied to the roof!"  
  
***  
  
"This Truly is a tragedy. And now over to Mary Hart on the scene."  
  
"Thank you Doug," said Mary Hart standing in a parking lot at a gas station, " This really is devastating. This train of events is very confusing. Earlier this week Walker Hanson reported his three sons missing after their tour bus never showed up for a concert in Dallas. This is the last place they were ever seen. Parked here," Mary waves her hand dramatically, "Next to this condom dispenser. The last people to have seen them are these three girls Mandy, Mindy, & Missy. Tell me what you know ladies."  
  
"Well, we were here trying to get this stupid machine to work & we saw their tour bus sitting here," Said a girl wearing a shirt with the words 'Taylor Hanson signed my bra' written on it, "It was kinda hard to miss ya' know cause of those signs on the side with Hanson written on them. But anyway, we like figured that if we couldn't get the machinge to work that we might as well get someone to see our underwear so we went & asked Taylor to sign my bra strap."  
  
"Thank you Mandy, is there anything else that happened?"  
  
"Well, yeah," said Mindy, "We were like trying to see Zac cause he's like way hot & Isaac who's like way not said that he was dead. Taylor was throwing up & stuff & looked really nasty. Isaac acted really strange."  
  
"Thank you ladies," said Mary as Missy jumped around in the background until a semi pulled out from a pump & then ran away with the other girls, "We have heard that with the information that the FBI has collected, it is suspected that Zac Hanson is indeed dead. It is also suspected that Isaac has killed Taylor & their driver & is now on the run. If anyone sees him they are asked to call 1 800 666 PISS. 


End file.
